No, this post is not dedicated to me. I am a narcissist but not that much of one! No—this Ali is a sweet freshman girl I met at Take Backthe Night a few weeks ago. She came by the table I was hosting for the Anne Braden Institute and we started chatting. Ali was adorable and just taking her first women’s studies class. She said something like, “I never knew feminism was so normal and about equality and stuff.” Yes, you precious little feminist caterpillar, break out of your cocoon—you will be a brilliant butterfly soon! There is so much to learn about what it means to end sex-based oppression and most of it isn’t really that radical (but that is another post coming soon). Until then, Ali, it was nice to meet you. I hope you learned a lot at your first Take Back the Night event.
Good segue. This post is about Take Back the Night and rape. Cheery, I know. But important because, as many gains as women have made in the last few decades, sexual violence is still a MAJOR problem. It’s a problem that just can’t be ignored until it’s 100% resolved.
Recently, a friend and I were talking about the Slutwalk thing, and she said something about how rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power. I have heard this argument a lot. I disagree. Why must we feminists (and people in general) always make these dichotomous statements? If rape is about power, it can’t be about sex and vice versa. Bullshit.
The guy one of my friends was dating in high school who forced his penis into her mouth wanted to get off sexually. I am guessing he also got off on the power of using his hands to grab her hair and pull her towards him violently. I wish I was making this up. And, the sad thing is, she told me this story without referring to it as rape. She didn’t once name it as such. My mouth just dropped open. I knew they guy. I wanted to cut his balls off after hearing about this. (Ya, I realize that is violence too but men who sexually abuse others shouldn’t be allowed to keep their sexual organs. Just my opinion.)
What the fuck made him believe that her body was just his to abuse in any way he chose? He was physically stronger. Did that give him the right? He is a boy, so therefore he can’t be expected to control his sexual needs or actions. Did that give him the right? She was a cheerleader. Obviously, that means she was asking for it, I mean you can see her legs in that short skirt.
Repeat after me: There is nothing a woman can ever do that will justify sex without consent. If you believe there is, you are wrong. I don’t care what she is wearing, how she dances, if she has had sex with you before, whether or not you bought her dinner, whether or not she placed herself in a vulnerable situation or anything else. When she says “Stop” or “No,” that’s it—I am sorry if you have a hard on the size of Texas. Run to the bathroom and whack one out, but using her to get you off is no longer an option. (I will say, if she does that too often, you might want to consider finding a different sexual partner who actually enjoys cock).
SPECIAL NOTE: I have inadvertently focused on the dominant form of rape: Men versus women. However, other forms exist. Men with men, women with women, women with men, transgendered with women, transgendered with men, etc. If you have experienced one of these forms, please don’t take this post to mean that what you experienced isn’t just as devastating and wrong. It is and I am really sorry for what you went through.
Bottom line is: If one partner says “no,” just stop. Seriously.
Men (or women) who believe that they have the right to take whatever they want without consent need to imagine what their life will be like in prison. Ass rape. Is it about power? Yup. Is it about sex? Ya—that big guy or girl from cell 151 is going to come all up in your business. Will it rip you apart? Hopefully—you fucking loser.
So yes, rape is about power, it is about aggression, and its about sex (a perverted, disgusting, abusive form of sex but still sex).
I do have other stories from Take Back the Night but this post is getting too long so I will leave you with this and some pictures of the event.
I would love your thoughts on this and other things about rape that I didn’t have a chance to talk about. There is a comments box below, let’s have a conversation.
The woman who put this whole thing together. Yay Sharon!
A crowd gathers to hear other people's stories...
Me--looking a little prego's. I am not. I swear.
Clothesline Project - these t-shirts are a must read
Getting ready to march around campus
5 comments:
I want to stand up and applaud you, my friend. This is the mother-effing truth about what rape is. As someone who has been touched against my will (not rape, but I certainly did not give consent for that bus driver to tickle me in the sixth grade, thank you kindly) I have deep, deep concern for these teenager in particular who think nothing of this kind of behavior.
Keep doing the good work, lady!
Damn. Now I feel the need to punch myself in the balls. Just for solidarity. Or something.
This is amazing! What a cool thing to be a part of. A friend of mine did the t-shirt project with the kids in her sexual abuse survivors group at school. It was incredibly powerful for the other kids. Victims often suffer in silence for all of the reasons in the mugging parody. Brilliant. I bow down.
@Maresi - it concerns me too, that there are still boys out there who believe that they can just take what they want. I would like to know where they got that message so that we can change it. Some people would say porn, but as someone who studies porn I have to disagree. It's really not that simple. Someone else in their environment has encouraged or condoned their behavior.
@Spock - please don't. Just punch the people who deserve it.
@Patty - it really is an amazing event. Reading the t-shirts is heartbreaking and hearing the personal testimonies almost makes you vomit. There was one girl who got up and talked about her friend who was raped by someone she was in class with and she somehow found the courage to stay in school and face him in class every day even after she pressed charges against him. That takes guts.
Alisha ~ I now have internet. I love this!! Miss you!
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